Environmentalists can pry my fluffy toilet paper from between my cold dead butt cheeks!

Fluffy toilet paper being worse for the environment than Hummers, the crazies want to take it away from us. Apparently it is a mark of superiority to use rough unrefined toilet tissue like the brave and stalwart Europeans do. This seems to go against the idea of luxurious French toiletries.

Actually, I think it is the other way round, the softer your toilet tissue is the more superior and advanced your people are.

We can't have bidets here in California, we haven't enough water with which to splash our generously sized American asses.