Ace of spades turned me on to ceiling cat's translation of the bible and I am addicted, here's Exodus

Princess findz Moses in a bukket in teh rievr (Ex 2:5).1 Sum guye wented to Levi's place an marryed hiz doter.2 An the doter hd a bayby who wuz a boi so she hided himm.3 So she decided to do wot Pharo saied an put hm in teh rievr but she maded a bukkit fur him sos he woudt drounz. An she sed pharo is liek rly laem 4 tellz us puts babyz in teh river An not sais u no can has bukkitz lol st00pid pharo.4 An his big sis miriam wuz tehr 2 An she hided An wotched him flote awai. An teh crocodielz An teh lolrusz did not eated him. wich wuz good cuz if dey did tehr wudnt b no mor storyz An htis wud b rly short bibul.

5 An teh Princess was nekkid in ur riiver havin baffs cuz she rly liekd baffs and sawed teh widdle babie and gotted him out.6 An teh baby cryd, an Princess wuz liek whoah. A Hebruw. An he iz teh cute 2. WANT!!!!!!!!!

7 An miriam wuz teh rly smrt kidz An she sayd shoud I gett a Hebruwe to takes caer ov it?

8 An Princes she wuz liyk, yeah. so miriam wentd bak 2 her momcats base An sed woah mom, teh princess is finded my kid bro An she is wants hebroo momcat to taeks care of him An u can goes 2 princessz base An do dat An how kewl iz htat?9 Princess wuz Phoaro's daoter, btw, srsly. An she sed to teh Heberw ladie who wuz rly teh babyz momcat u can has a money 4 bein babysitr An she sed k. cuz Herbbwe layde wuz liek, whoa its my baby. Only she dint sai it ot lowd.10 An wen he wuz grone up, Princess wuz sayed, Ur naym is Moses, srsly. cuz she sed i meanz i took u out ov teh riverz An stuf.

[edit] Runnin awai 2 Midian
11 Moses all growup now!. Wun dayz he go see his frenz. they is workin hard. Moses sum Gypshun d00d beatin up a Joo laik Mosis.12 Mosis look round & not see no 1 so he go and capped teh Gypshun. He hied teh bodi in sand to makes it invisabl.13 An then sum otha guyz whu wurr Jewz saied, y u do dat? 14 An Moses wuz llike Your not teh bos of me! An thot to hisself How did tehy no bout it?

15 An Pharo wuz liek, WHUT? GONNA KILL HIM! But Moses runnd awai to liv in Midian wif d00d naemd jethro but ncis wuznt inventd yet so he was sheeplhurd.16 An dese gurls caym to get woter for sheeples, an wuz seven of dem.17 An sum sheepleherds who wuz bout as evil as puppehs sed u no can has a watr An triyed to stop em but Moses helpd em.

18 Teh gurls got hoem, an thier dad sayd Why u so quik getin woter?

19 So they tole him a bowt Moses. but dey didnt tellz him dey thot moses wuz all hot An sexy An stufs. 20 An ther dad wuz liek Bring hm her An he can haz cheexburgrz An pepsis An stuf but no fryz cuz fryz wuznt nventd yet.

21 An Moses livd wif da man an maried his doter Zipporah. An all teh ohter grrlz wuz sorta jelus but l8r dey can haz menz 2 so was k.22 An tehy haded a baby cald Gershom, an wer liek lol gershom funy name.

23 An latr on Pharo died an all teh Jews werre llike, too much wurk An htis suxxxxxx rly rly terabl. 4 realz.24 An Ceiling Cat herd em say it, and saied to hisself Oh rite i 4got. I is ment to not let that hapn. sry i iz stil n00b Ceiling Cat An i wil fixz htat bug in urths version 2.1.25 An Ceiling Cat gave props to teh Heberws, srsly.