If you come in my cage I'll eat you too!

Friday, February 27, 2009

Environmentalists can pry my fluffy toilet paper from between my cold dead butt cheeks!

Fluffy toilet paper being worse for the environment than Hummers, the crazies want to take it away from us. Apparently it is a mark of superiority to use rough unrefined toilet tissue like the brave and stalwart Europeans do. This seems to go against the idea of luxurious French toiletries.

Actually, I think it is the other way round, the softer your toilet tissue is the more superior and advanced your people are.

We can't have bidets here in California, we haven't enough water with which to splash our generously sized American asses.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Kerchow!! Raymond Moreno is the Man!

Day of service

Editor - Your Jan. 14 editorial calling for a day of service on Martin Luther King's birthday seems noble enough on the surface but it left me wondering: While I agree "doing something for someone less fortunate" is a good idea, why not include those very people in the equation? The concept of giving something back should also apply to those who have been given so much. The "less fortunate" are the recipients of a number of government programs, i.e., welfare, Section 8 housing, food stamps etc. All courtesy of the taxpayers. It would seem reasonable to enlist them first in your call for service. God knows they have the time.

San Francisco

Unlicensed dentists

Chinese Christian co-worker's father goes to an unlicensed dentist. His current dentist is actually the son of his former unlicensed dentist, now deceased.

The son uses the same methods and procedures of dental care that his father used to use. He has no use for new fangled contraptions such as x-rays. He just taps your teeth with a hammer and if a tooth hurts he yanks it out, or fills it in, or caps it with some kind of metal. Co-worker's dad thinks it's stainless steel, from melted spoons or something.

Anyhoo, co-worker's dad has lived to the ripe old age of 88 and he feels the price of his dental care is right. Co-worker told me that she has always been a bit nervous about her dad using such a dentist. I told her he has lived this long and should keep on doing what he has been doing.

I recently had a dental appointment and I related this story to my dentist. I just wanted him to get a feel for his competition. He was actually quite impressed, as he should be. I also informed him that I felt that the unlicensed dentist was, perhaps, vastly superior to him in skill, as he could still do dental work entirely by hand. "What if your power were to go out? I asked him. What would you do then, without all your high tech equipment? In fact, I told him, I would go to this very superior dentist my own self, but I am near abouts positive that he does not take Delta dental insurance."

Friday, February 20, 2009

We should be thankful for the Iranian revolution because

the US ended up with a lot of wonderful Iranian immigrants. It is ironic that the husband of Roset Melamed is on the Mars Rover team and is responsible for designing the Rover's hands and that Iran is only now launching its first satellite. Imagine what progress Iran could have made if it had not forced most of its talented people to flee the country in terror.

The Ayatollah Khomeini's greatest contribution to Iranian culture was to make all the women look just like him!

Sesame Street is to blame for all our troubles

Some time ago, I was listening to an NPR story about a "socially conscious" band that played a concert at a prison. The lead singer said that when the band played the theme song to Sesame Street, it really brought down the, er, big house.

All the cons used to be watchin' Sesame Street when they wuz little. Hmm....

Now the news has come out that the unfortunate victim of the recent chimp attack was, perhaps, waving a "Tickle Me Elmo Toy" at the chimp just before he attacked.

Sesame Street is evil, my peeps. It is the cause of all animal and human misery and it must be annihilated.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

To balance our states' and federal budgets

may I suggest that Democrats and Greens, Marxists and anarchists decline to accept any state or federal tax returns they are due. They may instead donate the tax returns directly to the government.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Amahdinejad's penis envy

Yesterday Iran's president Amahdinejad could be seen crowing about Iran now being a "real superpower" due to its recent lauching of a satellite, and the fulfillment of its nuclear power ambitions.

Note that he wants to be a superpower, just like the world's only true superpower, the Great Satan, Amerika, imitation being the sincerest form of flattery.

Friday, February 06, 2009

A Cop knocked on my door today

Devil Dog barked at him.

"He's got quite a bark on him," said the cop who was lounging lazily on my porch, looking as if he had all the time in the world.

"How may I help you?" I asked.

"Do you know who left that old mattress and box springs set on the curb?" he asked.

"No, I said, I noticed them last night when I took the garbage and recycling out, but I don't know who put them there."

"Any guesses? he asked. Cuz I'd sure like to deliver them right back to the culprit's door step, if I knew who it was. I don't like them messing up your pretty neighborhood. Notice any of your neighbors moving in or out recently?"

"No sir," I said. I have not."

"Any of your other neighbors at home today, do you know" he persisted in his detective work.

"I don't think so, I don't know," I said.

He headed off. I heard his patrol car leave about 10 minutes later. I went to the curb to peek and sure enough, the mattress set was gone!

Little lefty Hitlers

Ever morning, my lefty colleagues spend a good hour in the morning talking about all the "stupid people" they have come into contact with, or seen on TV, (the lefties all watch tons of TV) or heard tell of in gossip rags.

The general idea is that all stupid people must die. Lefties are wanna-be eugenics practitioners.

Even Miss C has heard about enough of the "stupid people" thread to last a lifetime.

So, the other day when they were on their usual diatribes, I said, "You can't kill all the stupid people. Hitler already tried that."

They looked at me in shock. "That's the first time I have ever heard anyone defend Hitler," one of the lefties said.

"I am not defending him, I am saying that all of you are like him. Every day I have to listen to you talk about how you want to kill stupid people. You even discuss the types of weapons you would use. I don't want the stupid people to die, because then we will the stupid people." (Most of these people are the ones who did not score high enough to get into Cal Berkeley, they had to go to lesser state universities) they are smart but not that smart, if you know what I mean.)

"You guys also talk a lot about sterilization, I told them We used to do that in this country, remember? We did it to Native American women. We used to put people who had the misfortune to have "ethnic looks," meaning, they looked like Sylvester Stallone, into homes for the feeble minded. This way lies madness"

"Some people should be sterilized!" one of the lefties snapped back at me.

"I rest my case," I said.

I noticed they have toned down the conversations recently. Then the woman had the octuplets
and they could not prevent themselves from talking about her. They just seem to forget all the values they hold dear, like "Hands off my body" and "Choice" and "If you don't believe in abortion don't have one" when stupid people are involved.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

I was spat upon yesterday evening

Twice! I was dressed well, which always seems to set off crazy people. As this guy passed me he spat in my direction, flicking me with spittle no worse than I have experienced at any of the retirement parties we have here at work, where the aged ex-employees return in droves and befleck you with bits of potluck food during animated conversations.

I yelled at the guy fiercely , "Never do that again!!"

He paid me no heed and spat at me again just to show me that I did not frighten him in the least.

Puritan lefties, stubborn right-wingers

The hullabaloo about Wells Fargo's rewarding its high performance employees with a luxury trip to Vegas is hypocritical. Wells Fargo was getting ready to stimulate the economy of Las Vegas.

They can't loan out the money they were forced by the government to take from the taxpayers because noone qualifies for a loan based on the new "regulations" the left demanded as a result of the formerly lax lending policies they themselves (Barney Frank, Maxine Waters, Chris Dodd etc. etc.) encouraged the banks to use.

I am also continually frustrated by the right and their demands for more tax breaks for small businesses. What in the hell is the point of encouraging the development of small businesses if we cannot expect to receive tax dollars from those small businesses?

I lived with a small businessman and I can tell you that they don't pay many taxes if they can avoid them. My ex would not let me put a decorative bar of soap in his second bathroom in his house because he took the bathroom off his taxes, claiming it was a customer bathroom, although a customer might use it only once or twice a year. I have never seen the likes of the nonsense that he was able to claim as tax write offs.

If Obama was a quarterback the coach would have pulled him out of the game by now

He's thrown 3 interceptions. Almost 4. As for Tom Daschle using a limo service, a limo is probably more fuel efficient, and better for the environment, than his old Pontiac was.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Racist bus driver!

Last week, I rode a bus on which a Black driver refused to open the middle or back door for Asians or Whites who were waiting to get off the bus.

Asian kids would press the "open door button" repeatedly and yell for the driver to open the door and he would ignore them. When it was my turn to get off, he did the same thing to me. I pressed the button 3 times to no avail.

I yelled for him to open the back door, whereupon he nastily informed me "You need to press the button."

"We have been pressing the button. About 20 times, I replied. There must be something the matter with it."

He must have remembered me, because this morning he was spoiling for a fight.

He let everyone off the back door at all the other stops until I pressed the button to get off in Chinatown. The door remained tightly closed. I pressed the button again and then yelled to the front for him to please open the door.

"I got 2 other doors open, " he yelled back. Use one of them."

Now mind you, we are specifically encouraged not to use the very front door, as people are boarding there, and the middle door was halfway across the bus, which was full of people, most of them wearing backpacks, whom I had to squeeze past to get to the middle door.

As I pushed my way through the passengers I yelled to the bus driver, "You Sir, are a Jackass!!

Monday, February 02, 2009

I am about to change my political party to Independent

The Republicans are getting on my last nerve. If they are for smaller government why are they trying so hard to stifle Governor Schwarzenegger's attempts to exercise state's rights. Why are the Republicans defending failure by trying to protect American car companies?

If Arnold wants to strengthen tail pipe emmision standards, he should be able to do so. If the car companies are worried that there will be different rules from state to state, they should self standardize on the side of caution.

American car companies have long been behind the curve in everything but body design. That is why Japanese are eating their lunch.